Contentment

I should be working on school. I have been all day - it's not fun. However, in a quick break to regain my sanity, I checked Facebook. Someone posted a link to a blog post that caught my attention. I went to read it and good heavens it hit home, so I had to stop and share.

The past 5 days or so, the Lord has been revealing a lot to me - mostly about contentment. Contentment with who I am as a person, but more importantly contentment in Jesus. Some days I wonder - what exactly does that look like?

This morning during my quiet time I prayed, "Lord, I worship you for who you are, not what you've done for me. Even if you took everything away from me, it would be hard and I may not understand, but I would still have to say you are good." He is good. I said that probably 20 times in my prayer this morning. He is good. That needs no qualifier - it's just who He is, forever and always. I pray that soaks so deeply in my heart that I never waver in believing that.

So, when I read this post, it only echoed everything in my heart this weekend. I don't know the author of this blog, but man, she has some insight. I've discussed this a lot with several close friends of mine, and it really takes Jesus transforming your heart to get to a place where you can accept that He is enough.  In so many ways I'm not there, but I'm praying the Lord leads me to that place. I don't want to live out my singleness waiting for my life to "begin" once I get married. It doesn't. It's happening right now and I want my life - single or married - to be full. 

I'm not missing out on anything in this season. That is also a statement that needs no qualifier - no one can define for me the life I'm supposed to have at 25. I'm not missing out on the life the Lord has led me into for now. And, when the time is right, I will enter another season. What will that one hold? I don't know. But, for now, I'm glad to be in this challenging yet beautiful time with the Lord.

Here's the blog - absolutely worth the five minute read.

http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

Africa Trip - finally :)

So - I preface this post with this warning: if you're reading this hoping for an extensive story about my Africa trip, you will be disappointed. That post would probably be about 20 pages long or more. This will cover the highlights although it is still pretty long. :)

My parents were out of town when I left for Africa, which was kind of a bummer, but my sweet friend, Sara took me to the airport. Let me tell you, friends - I was full of anticipation...and nerves. It was my first time overseas and I had no idea what to expect. Especially when everyone tells you to expect a lot of culture shock.

Our group probably spent a whole day and then some traveling. We flew into Accra (south), spent the day, then woke up the next morning to fly to Tamale (north) which was followed by a 2+ hour drive to Yendi (northeast).

A map for reference:

I was so thrilled for this trip because I just knew something big was going to happen. I had some high expectations - of what? I'm still not sure. I mean it seemed perfectly logical that if literal miracles happened in getting me the money in month to get to Africa, then the Lord had some big plan.

So before I get into the highlights, I walked away from my Africa trip extremely discouraged. Discouraged in myself and discouraged with Jesus. Maybe I went in with the expectation that my life's purpose would be found in mission work in helping others. Like I said, I'm still not sure.

This trip was an extremely difficult trip - it was intense. I knew it would be a lot of work from the beginning, but I was not prepared for it. I had not anticipated how taxing it would be. And, honestly, had I known from the beginning how rough it would be, I can't say I would have signed on for it. I probably would have picked a less stressful trip.

With all that said, Videre, the organization I went with, does wonderful things and I highly recommend that you support them. It strengthens communities through business and uses local Christians and their business to share about Jesus. It is led tirelessly (or so it seems) by ONE woman. Crazy, I know.

I went with the phase 2 group - our goal was to learn about the participants business, help them create a business plan and determine whether their business is viable. I have zero business background - I've worked for a company and understands at a basic level how it works, but I don't have a business degree. I don't have a full grasp of accounting.

Needless to say, I felt very...inept. Most of the people I went with had business, accounting or marketing degrees or experience. I got my degree in Communications - I can write a killer press release. Not really going to help a community that's partially illiterate. I wasn't terribly confident about how this would go down.

We get to Yendi after 24 hours of traveling and I'm tired and haven't slept.  We go to church once we got into town, which was awesome to be in a room with other believers half way across the world. But, it was my first true experience in feeling completely uncomfortable. I didn't understand anything and couldn't really participate, but our group had eyes on us everywhere we went. Not for any other reason than - we stood out in a BIG way. For seven days we would be called "salminga" aka white person. :)

On Monday we spent the morning going around and visiting some of the businesses we would be working with. The afternoon was spent meeting the participants and beginning to get the details of their business. I had two ladies - Laddi and Sana. Laddi sold pork and was my translator for Sana sold Shea butter.

Laddi, me, Sana

Even though Laddi spoke English, it was still difficult to communicate some times. I never thought it could be challenging working with a translator, but man it is. And you hope you love your translator (I definitely did).

We spent three and a half days working on business plans. In theory this sounded so much easier than it was. It required getting numbers and putting together 3 year projections (thankfully a handy excel tool helped). But, it was no easy task - I just thought it was get the numbers and put them in. Not quite. I have an appreciation for the lady who goes often to work on this. It's not easy. Most mornings I was up by 6, we would work all day and all night and I was lucky if I was in bed by 1.

During this process - I struggled. Some days, I felt like I was the only one who didn't get it (wasn't the case, but still how I felt).  When I had exhausted my brain working on a business plan, I'd go back to my room and pray. And all the while I felt that He was purposely distant. I'd cry out and hear nothing in return.

Thursday was our day to head out to the villages. This was an experience - this was a TRUE Ghana experience. It is how most live. We were in a nice building that had an AC unit in our rooms - a luxury. But, most of the people we worked with were out in huts - no exaggeration.

We broke up into two groups - my group went to Tusani. It just so happened that Sana, my participant, lived in that village. When you head out to a village, you HAVE to meet the chief. And, it's not just like walking into a village and someone takes you to his hut. No, you have to go through a number of people who are like his entourage. They all have to approve you to move on to the next person until finally you get to see the chief.

Our chief was a broken old man who drank too much - probably to cope with the demons.  He was the guy that people would pay and bring animals to so he could slaughter them to whichever god they preferred. Creepy.

After meeting him, we headed back to eat and fellowship with the locals. We had one translator which made this challenging, but he was awesome....and fearless. (Later we find out that the guy we stayed with used to be the pastor, but due to his alcohol problem he was removed.)

Following dinner, we set up outside one of the homes with the audio Bible and maybe 50+ people came to listen to the Word. There were TONS of children and I just prayed that their lives would be impacted.

We listened to John 1-3 and after each chapter spent time talking with them about it. After listening, we asked if people needed to be healed. And many came up for prayer. We saw many people healed, which was crazy and awesome. Their faith is humbling.

The next morning the chief's entourage joined us to ask how we were being treated, etc. We asked them if they would like to listen to the Bible with us and they agreed. This was a village that was strongly Muslim and had a strong idol presence as well. Sharing the Gospel could have been a risky thing, but we were completely protected by the Lord.

The entourage listened to John 4 with us and we began asking questions. We prodded to the point where one of our group members, John, asked them to burn their idols. Wow. A moment of fear pierced by heart, since we have to receive permission to leave the village. However, the group just laughed and said it would be dangerous. We spent more time with the locals, saw more healings and saw many come to know Jesus. It was powerful.

Our group left the village and headed back to Tamale. We were on our way home. We chatted with the other group who also had tons of awesome stories. It was so great to hear what the Lord had done.

So, why did I and still feel discouraged? The Lord moved in a lot of ways. He was faithful to bring healing to people that might never have known it. Yet, I left feeling like He met all of these people there and never met me. Maybe that's extremely selfish thinking - but I came back feeling largely unchanged. Perhaps that's the fault in my thinking? Expecting change. Maybe it just hasn't manifested yet. There was, without a doubt, a purpose in me going to Africa - but I guess my vision is just so cloudy I can't see what that is.

If nothing else, we are called to go out to the nations and share about Jesus. It's not really an optional thing for Christians - we are told to do it. I came back to America discontent. We live in a world where we are at such a disadvantage spiritually. It's so funny how what seems normal here really isn't in the rest of the world. We have so much, yet always seek out more. More money, more power, more things, a better house, a better car, a better job, a new toy. We fill up our time and energy with so much because most people don't want to sit still and realize it's all empty. I've realized there is nothing nobel in amassing a fortune, only to keep it to yourself. I'm not suggesting you go broke, but money brings about nothing good in America except the desire for more. There was such a beauty in the simplicity of their lives in Africa. I prefer a life with a toilet mind you - but to be disconnected in a way that you're fully connected with those around you. I don't want my life to look like everyone else's. I want and hope that I leave a genuine mark on people's lives.

Africa team: Iris, Fidelis, Me, Michelle, John, Edward, Jason, and Mark

Random kids being hilarious and adorable!

 Team members and their groups

My room

Christmas and Time off!!

Ok, so I am beyond thankful that with my current company I receive the week in between Christmas and New Years off.

I tend to be lazy and spend my days sleeping in (not all bad) and watching TV. Occasionally I'll hang out with a friend or two, but overall I don't do much.

So in the spirit of finishing the year strong/beginning the new year well, I'm creating myself a to-do list of everything I'd like to accomplish over the next 12-ish days.

1. Finish my flower ball project (I'll have to post pics when I'm done)
2. Find a Bible study and complete it
3. Finish Africa thank you cards - I'm half-way through, but grossly behind. (Will finish today!) Done!
4. Write a blog about my Africa trip Done!
5. Finish wrapping Christmas presents. Done!!! :)
6. Overhaul & clean my room
7. Clean/organize my bathroom ( done)
8. Try a few new recipes (Tried Pad Thai and Monkey bread - eh on both accounts)
9. Have lunch or dinner at the new food truck park in FW (http://www.fwfoodpark.com/index.html)
10. Spend time with my niece and nephew
11. Make progress on my quilt
12. Spend time with friends
13. Spend some time at the gym.
14. Take time to pray for direction for 2012.
15. Try something new I haven't done before. (Any thoughts?)
16. Spend time relaxing and knowing that it's okay if I don't complete this list.

Africa: The beginning

I'm going to Africa - but, if you've been on my Facebook or have email...you most likely already know this.  I found out about two months ago there was a trip and then about a month ago I found out I was going on the trip.  I haven't even made it to the airport yet and my heart and life are already forever changed.

Where to start? Well, first and foremost - I joined a new small group. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G group of ladies. Seriously. You will definitely begin to understand why as you read on.

So, to rewind a few weeks (roughly 3): some things occurred in my personal life that led me to the revelation that I have never recognized value in myself. Put more bluntly: subconsciously, I've viewed myself as worthless. To quickly sum all this up: in alot of ways I felt my problems, my hurts, my joys, and me were not worth time and energy.

This filtered over into my preparation for Africa. As I went to our mandatory meetings, I began to feel like I wasn't good enough to go. I wasn't worth the money I was being given because I felt I wasn't going to raise enough support to go, therefore it was going to "waste."

As I very clearly saw this was an issue, I began to pray and share.  Ironically, sharing was the harder of the two. But, as I opened up with my discipleship partner, small group and a few close friends, the Lord has gradually worked on my view of my value. Am I still struggling with this? Very much so, but I've made progress.

Part of this has come in being humbled, not only in asking for money but in receiving it. I've never had to put myself in a place where I couldn't be independent. I have a good job, a good education, a car, a house, a family, etc. I don't want for anything, yet I'm at a huge disadvantage (in some ways) spiritually because of this.

This Africa trip is the first time I've had to be dependent on the Lord to provide for me. I couldn't afford this trip on my own. Four weeks ago, I calculated how much I could pull out of savings. I prayed - alright Lord, if you could just provide $2500 for the trip, I can do the rest.

I wrote my support letter and put it out there. Scary. Scary to admit you need support. Scary to think you might fail. Scary to think this isn't what the Lord wants for you. Scary because it made me fully rely on the Lord to come through.

I waited. Week one I got my fundraising update: I had $100. Panic set in - that fear of failure crept up.

So, I prayed - alright, God, maybe You don't want me to go? Maybe this isn't what you had for me. Maybe I heard you wrong? And then I had people ask - you really expect to go? You only have a few weeks to raise the money.

I began to doubt this was what the Lord wanted and thought of throwing in the towel. A few more people donated and I had 10% of my funds on the next update I received. More panic set in - I had about 25 days or so left before I was getting on a plane to Africa.

So, I prayed. I was on the fence if I should even try, but the Lord HAD provided money. So, I made the scarier decision to continue pursuing raising money for this trip. I shared with my small group one night about how stressed I was about the trip. Stressed because I was 90% away from my goal. And I was discouraged.

So they prayed.  I got a mid-week update from our trip leader (unusual) with encouragement. I had been given an anonymous donation of $600. Once more - thank you, whoever you are; you'll never know how much that meant.

I kept praying - I know I'm meant to go on this trip. The money will be provided and I won't have to take money out of my savings. Last Monday, I was $1,800+ short of my goal. We're cutting it a little close there. Michelle, one of my small group leaders and someone also going on the trip, suggested I do a garage sale. I spent time praying about it and felt that's what the Lord wanted me to do.

This past Thursday was our last Africa meeting before we left and I asked our team leader if she could just check to see how I was coming along financially for the trip. A few people here and there mentioned they donated.

Can I just say - I'm moved by people giving to my trip. Downright stunned, humbled and overwhelmed. I really don't think anything has really affected my heart in such a personal way as this experience.

Iris, our team leader, told me someone who I have never met, donated an astounding $800. WOW. I had no words. I cried my entire drive home. I've never felt such a weight in my heart to give. I found out that the guy who gave me the money was someone from the guy's small group. Even in writing this, I'm still amazed and emotional over this.

As of Thursday, I was $900+ away from my goal. I was allowed to set up a table at someone else's garage sale, which was incredibly nice of them. They donated all the money they raised throughout the day to my trip. I raised close to $400, including their donation. Oh, and I can't forget to mention that MOST of the items sold were not mine - they were donated by ladies in my small group, friends, and my parents.

I had all of my money as of Tuesday. Talk about faithfulness. Want to challenge your faith? Go on a trip where you have to raise funds - that changes you.

I started this blog on Monday, but couldn't finish it. The Lord said this part of the story wasn't over - I wasn't supposed to finish until I could say I had all the money I needed. I have the money - I'm packing my suitcase and waiting on laundry as I write this. Tomorrow starts the next part of the story.

Tomorrow will be the first time I go to Africa. First time I travel internationally. First time to serve on a mission trip like this. First time to experience a completely new culture. First time to really go on an adventure. There's no turning back (not that I want to) and I'm so stinking excited to see what will happen. I think it will be BIG - it already has been.

Life lately

A friend said to me this week, "Anna - I'm really good at internalizing my conflict." So am I. I've started several posts over the course of the past few months and haven't been able to push the "Publish Post" button. Either, I felt it didn't do someone justice or I just decided that, in the end, I didn't want to publicly share what was going on in my life.

So, I guess a good re-cap on what's happened from April - I found out my New Year's Eve this past year changed a good friendship in a negative way (but just found this out a short while ago). What's ironically harder on me is the fact that I'm not terribly sad to see this person go. Friendships remind me of what my dad tells me of stocks - "Anna, if your stock has dropped 25% and you're receiving no return, then it's time to cut your losses and sell." Sometimes there's that point with friendships, right? If you're putting forth effort and getting 25% returned effort, perhaps it's time to cut your losses and move on? I'm not really sure where that line is, to be honest. At what point do you give up and walk away to protect your own sanity? After hearing what happened on NYE, I know that regardless of what little return I felt I was receiving in the friendship, it was time to walk away.

BUT, after finding this out - through the great help of my lovely sister-in-law - I've started going to a new small group. And get this: they have a nice mix of married and single ladies, they're all close to my age, and I feel comfortable there. Awesome! Granted, it's in Dallas, but I'm at the point where I need fellowship. If I have to drive to Dallas for that - so be it. I'll survive.

On another note - I recently had my one year anniversary at my job! Yeah!! Feels good to work at a place like that. I feel challenged and capable (some days) and I feel there's a good future.

I'm planning a vacation. I'm starting to get that worn out feeling. My schedule stays pretty busy throughout the week. And I need to get out of Arlington...well Texas, even. I'm hopeful the friend I'm planning this with will indeed be able to go.

Hmm let's see what else has been going on? Doing a cake decorating class. Will have one of my first student loans paid off within the next few months. Life is just kind of coasting along.

Finally, a quick shout out to my amazing dad. I got my sense of humor and math skills from him and couldn't ask for a better dad. Love you and am so so so glad you weren't taken from me four years ago. You are so precious.

Sharing the Love

Thank you, Minda, for sharing this.

I needed to hear that.

Terrific Twos

Here's a list of some of my favorite things....(I copied this idea, but changed it up a bit, from one of the blogs I've recently spent a lot of time perusing).

Websites:

 www.hostesswiththemostess.com

-I LOVE this website and could spend countless hours on here. Great ideas for fun and different themed party ideas!

www.cupcakesandcashmere.com

- In love with this blog. This girl is a crafty foodie and fashionista. She does home decor ideas, outfits, recipes, how-tos. In general - brilliant. (If you like those kinds of things that is) Copied the favorite things idea from her.


Fashion:

Lace! I love it - so girly yet sophisticated (if done correctly). I'm obsessed. I especially love the idea of a crisp white lace dress. Perfect for summer.

Color blocking! So bold and beautiful. I love taking two complementary colors and making such bold statements with them. It's simple and colorful.

Music:

Britney Spears' newest album Femme Fatale. Very clubby - love it!

ADELE and her album 21. I underestimated her. She has an incredibly soulful voice.

Beauty:

Braids!! How have I never appreciated the braid?! It can easily be dressed up or down. I'm pretty sure this will be one of my go-to hairstyles this spring/summer.

The "nude" trend. Au naturale face - perfect for me, as I hate wearing pounds of makeup. Nude nails - simple and clean. Nude heels- elongate the legs...what else could you need?

Ah summer - you are welcome here.

A Short One

Sometimes moms are right.

"Anna, you need friends that have money too. So they can afford to do things with you."

So. Right.

Where do I find those people?

Fairytales

Last night after writing my blog post, I went to bed with a heavy heart.  I felt frustrated, boxed in and limited.  Trapped, even.  I went to bed, and couldn’t sleep.  The Lord very clearly gave me a Bible verse to go look at…which led me to all of the following.

Now, I typically don’t like to talk about relationships much (as a single lady).  I feel it teeters on a danger zone and can put your heart in a position it doesn’t need to be in.  However, I think I should share what was revealed to me last night, which will very much be about relationships.

As little girls, we are introduced to the fairytale: Princes and Princesses and happily ever after.  We get caught up in the idea that one day our Prince will come find us, and he’ll be perfect.  Then, we get older, and realize that maybe the fairytale doesn’t exist.  

•        Sometimes, the Princess sees a Prince (or any male in general) and, instead of waiting to see if he’ll come get her – she decides to go get him. Maybe he was looking for a different Princess.
•      Some Princesses just give up and are no longer on the lookout for their Prince. And, if he DOES find them, no one wants a Princess wallowing in self-pity or someone who’s bitter.
•        Other Princesses find out their Prince has been kissing all the other Princesses on Palace Avenue.
•        Yet still, some princesses decide they’ll do it on their own, because they don’t need a dumb Prince to help them. They’re independent and can do it their own way.
•        Princesses can decide that the Duke or Count (or, heck, in some cases, even the Stable Boy) is an okay alternative for a Prince. I mean, it’s not like there have been any Princes that have come through that part of the country.
•        Sometimes, the Prince isn’t all he’s portrayed himself to be. Maybe he’s arrogant and self-centered and only found the Princess to make himself look better. Sometimes, he stops trying once he’s got his Princess and becomes a lazy fool. Or many other numerous scenarios.

So, as this was playing out in my head, I thought, “Maybe referring to females as princesses is in poor taste and outdated.”  Besides, I’ve had friends obsessed with the princess/crown theme, which has definitely turned me off to the idea.  But, thinking further and barring any female that takes the princess theme to the extreme and becomes an entitled, self-centered diva, princess is right.

A princess is someone that has value.  She is cherished.  She is honored.  She is respected.  She is a leader.  She is important.  She is loved.  She is treasured.  She is influential.  Her words hold worth and weight.  And, as females we should view ourselves as such.

To tie this in to the verse the Lord gave me, He reminded me of the man who looked for the pearl.  “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”

Matthew 13:44-46

I had always seen this as someone finding Jesus, or Him finding us.  But, the Lord told me that maybe I should consider myself as the pearl/treasure – I have NEVER considered myself as this.  Wait for the merchant [man] who will not only search for BUT recognize the pearl/treasure of great value [me].

So, I started looking up “treasure” and found many other Bible verses to support this.

“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.”

-Proverbs 18:22

Then, in Song of Solomon, the bride is called his treasure numerous times.

“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride.  You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.  Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride.  Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices.”

-Song of Solomon 4:9-10

“You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.”

-Song of Solomon 4:12

“I have entered my garden, my treasure, my bride!”

-Song of Solomon 5:1a

And, finally, what struck me the most:

“Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend.”

-Song of Solomon 5:16b

She doesn’t mean some some dude I just met.  Or some guy I think will be great to have children with.  Or this man who I could possibly make marriage work with.  But, he’s a friend.  This to me means someone you share commonality with, a comrade, buddy, and confidante.  It’s someone you enjoy spending time with and sharing your life with.  Someone to laugh with.  Now THAT’S what I want.  I’ll hold tight to the idea of fairytales and keep looking out my little window in the tower and be the Princess that actively waits for the Prince.  As my Aunt S said, “I’m GLAD you’re picky.” So am I…so am I.

Stay Back!

Children love boundaries - or at least thrive with them...that's what I hear parents say. Boundaries provide structure, safety and prevent chaos. They are good, healthy and necessary.

Well, we as children of Christ are also to operate within certain boundaries - granted, this can be different for each individual. However, ultimately, the Bible gives us the guidelines and boundaries with which we are to live by.

A few months ago, I felt the Lord draw in my boundaries in a certain area of my life. I feel like He took me from a field to play in to a little 4x4 fenced in area. Some days it's frustrating, but I KNOW it's good for me.

Of course, almost immediately after I was given those boundaries - I tested them. And, not surprisingly, I got hurt. A gentle reminder from the Lord that there is purpose behind fencing me in, and it's not to be hurtful and controlling, but to protect me from the hurt.

I do know, though, at any time, I can leave my 4x4 area and frolic in the field...at my own risk. Being the somewhat free spirit I am...or more, hard-headed gal, this is oh-so-tempting. These boundaries are not going to be patrolled by the Lord. He won't be walking around the perimeter to make sure I'm following in line...it's up to me.  I have to make the decision to stay. I have to decide what's important - obedience and safety or selfishness and pain.

Tonight was the first time I had to stay inside the fence. It's hard and I feel REALLY limited in some ways. But, He's protecting me from the hurt. He has my best interest in mind. I have to trust and believe this.

Same old stuff...

So - you know, my life's been pretty boring lately....got a raise at work, have 3 friends/family give birth last week, and so on. The usual.

But, in reality, I could NOT be prouder to have become an AUNT for the first time and SO excited to see some great folks head into a new phase in life!!! :) Oh, such sweet, precious little bebes!!

This is the adorable Amelia (Millie) Wright...I have a feeling that she and I will be good friends in the future....how can you not fall in love with that face?!

This is the little fighter Miles (Milo) Wright...his little face has captured my heart. This picture makes me tear up sometimes! He definitely reminds me of Philip...already!!!

We are so dang happy for Phil Phil and Jenni! What a beautiful family!

Root vs. Symptoms

I know - I'm so behind in my updating! So, Friday I went to the doctor....the, er, "woman doctor." Ugh.  If you've read my blog, you know I've been experiencing some medical issues I guess you'd call them. I really went into the appointment on some level excited (not in a weird way) because I felt I would walk away with an answer...finally! Unfortunately, that didn't happen. The answer I received was - there's nothing we can do or you can get bariatric surgery. Really, lady? THOSE are my options? Nothing else can help...? It can't possibly be anything else?

I walked away with so many more questions than answers. But, I will not accept her answer...I gave her my list of symptoms, one of which is inability to lose weight. She told me that if I just lost some weight, my symptoms would go away. What? I've spent 2 years working my butt off in an effort to lose weight and I can't. Addressing one symptom doesn't get to the root of the problem.

Sadly, I'm still in my quest to figure out what's wrong with my body, but the Lord brought to my attention that this relates to our spiritual lives. How often do we address a symptom? How often do we fail to get to the root of the problem? Are we willing to spend the time to search out and explore, through difficult or painful means to fix our heart issues?

This experience opened my eyes that not all "qualified people" know the answer. A few letters behind a person's name or their professional experience doesn't always mean they know what to do. Sometimes they give you the wrong answer. Sometimes they provide the most drastic option available. Sometimes they don't listen. Sometimes they won't spend time with you to seek out the root of the problem - they'll address a symptom. Sometimes the first answer isn't the right or best one.

A New Season

Wow - the Lord does some amazing things. In me, no less. I spent several days fretting over this offer for reconciliation. What would be the outcome? But, even after accepting, I was still mostly confident I made the right choice. Even walking into something potentially disastrous, I knew I was being obedient.  The Lord directed me to a verse through a book I'm reading.


"He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—he is supreme in the end. From beginning to end he's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross." - Colossians 1: 18-20


This spoke deeply to me - perhaps because it became more real to me than about just my narrowed view of the situation I was in. We are all broken, but He promises to fix us - in simple terms. My heart sings at that thought. I won't be broken forever. But, this relationship wouldn't be broken forever. This never guaranteed a specific outcome, but brought a sense of hope.


I will say - I knew for a long time that the Lord promised reconciliation for this specific friendship. And, I gave up on Him following through. I thought I missed it and that all those times I thought I heard Him whisper his promise of fixing what was broken or directing to me to verses ended up being me wanting a specific outcome. Despite my failure to trust that He would fulfill His promise within His timing, He fulfilled it without me believing He would. That is humbling, friends.


I will say, never has any meeting with a friend been so divinely constructed. The Lord was clearly in all of it for me. It happened in the way that spoke appropriately to my heart. And, as we begin inching our way back towards friendship, I am comfortable and happy with this, albeit extremely cautious. After, our meeting, I went back to praying and felt like the Lord told me, "Your show of grace to this friend will be just a small representation of My Grace." Wow.


He showed me, that I did not take the easy way out - I chose, in some ways, the more difficult path. And, that it will have its fair share of challenges, but will primarily be a test in patience. He has done something He has never done before: very clearly stated that I'm in a new season. In the past they've kind of just blended from one to the next, but He specifically drew a line. It is different going forward. I am incredibly humbled and sufficiently challenged.

2011, Mr. New Year, I welcome you

Yikes - it's been a while. So quick recap of what's happened since the beginning of December.

• At the beginning of January, I was moved to a new position at LM. This is a very good thing...VERY good. Last week was my first week and I think I'm going to like it.
• I've made the decision to begin saving for a house...I think I may have mentioned this previously, but things are in the works as if this is really going to happen - estimated house purchase date is June-ish 2012.
• I've spent a few weeks of this new year looking for a church. I think there's a pretty good candidate out there...and for the time being, I will continue to go until I feel led otherwise.
• My new mantra for this year is...Yes! Saying yes to things (within reason) that I wouldn't normally say yes to...
• The biggest thing - I really feel like a healing process has begun or maybe more likely that I'm beginning to feel the effects of the said process. 

I've not hidden or made light of the fact that my heart has experienced a traumatic two years.  I've spent a long time wondering if I'd ever be okay. I have recently watched my friend go through a relationship (albeit not a long one) and towards the end get hurt. My heart ached for her, but I told her she was allowed to mope, but only for a week and then it's time to get re-focused and back to life. 

Man, if only I had taken my own advice two years ago. (Although, I'm still not sure it would have been too applicable...) Regardless, I decided to take my own advice this year - I was going to quit whining about what I don't have and focus on what I DO have. Remaining positive is so important...no one likes to be around someone who is always negative.

I was challenged by a friend to clean up my Facebook (FB) friends list.  Woah - let me tell you, there is something so freeing about paring down and removing that which is not important. Not to say that the people I deleted aren't important, but they're not a part of my life - at least not anymore. I think I've, so far, totaled about 75 people deleted from my FB friends list. I think I've put entirely too much importance on FB and let it carry a weight it shouldn't. 

I even took the difficult step in blocking people from FB...not because I didn't want them looking at my page, but more along the lines of not wanting to see their updates, pictures, posts, etc. Let me tell you - THIS WAS SO HARD!!! I feel like for a long time I was choosing to have that thorn in my side and for the first time, I chose to remove it.

I can't help but think that this is something the Lord wanted me to do a long time ago. I usually end up laughing at the Lord's timing...for some reason in my life, it's typically filled with irony. A few days afterwards, I visited a church. They were having a guest speaker. I have no doubt that it's what I needed to hear. 

He spoke about how when the Lord removes something from your past, he completely burns it up. No remnants remain - and you are not to look backwards but forwards. Talk about confirmation - removing my past completely, so I can only focus on the present and future. I left with a light heart...it's been a while since I've experienced that.

Maybe it's just me, but I like to believe that you cheer me on when breakthroughs or good things happen. A breakthrough! Moving forward! I have to laugh, though, because I take a few steps and am presented with a crossroads. In the short time I've spent praying about it - I feel like the Lord's told me, "Neither path is wrong or right." Well, thanks - not terribly helpful. 

So, what is this crossroad? An offer for reconciliation. Thankfully, no decision has to be made soon. But, currently I'm stuck at indecision. A week ago I would have said - yes, I am deserved an apology...blah blah blah. However, realizing that the past has been completely burned up - I question which option I should take. 

I also have the thought that maybe this reconciliation offer isn't just about me, but is also a step for the other party. So, if I say no - am I hindering someone else's growth? Will I regret not doing it? Will I regret doing it? Either option can end poorly...but both could end up fine. So, I request your prayers as I weigh my options. And, I'd even accept advice, too. :) 

New year & new things

Oooooh it has been a while. What have I been up to? How's the low-carb thing going? Well, I consistently fail at the low-carb thing. But, I'm aware, it is all a learning process - not every day will go well. As for me, I haven't been up to much. Barely made it through the Thanksgiving holidays.

I have set a new goal for myself: be out of my parents' house by the end of the year. And, not just out of my parents' house, but more specifically into my own house. Yes, I'm hoping to be able to A) afford one and B) find a good one.

It is time to move out - there are some things that just move smoother when I'm not living at home.  Sooooo, that means if anybody knows of a future roommate for me....I'd appreciate any & all suggestions :)

On another note, I've almost finished all of my Christmas shopping!!! Now THAT makes me a happy camper!

And the most exciting news? I am being moved into another job in a different department - an AWESOME opportunity. It will provide much more visibility and tons of opportunity...very much looking forward to it. I start at the beginning of the year.

Christmas countdown: 19 Days

A new chapter in my journey

Tomorrow is a big day - tomorrow I embark on a new journey, well maybe more like a new chapter to a journey. But, before I can begin about this new embarkment, I have to share where I've been. It started [almost] 2 years ago in February of 2009. Before I begin - I ask that you do not judge me for what I'm going to share; I'm sure there are a few people out there that have opinions on the following.

February 2009 - A friend told me about this diet that a nutritionist had given her mom's friend. From here I began my journey to lose weight - I was not doing this for myself or my health, but for others. I wanted to look a certain way to attract a certain type of attention. That is never a good goal, because others' idea of what you should look like changes from person to person. I began a 500 calorie a day diet. Of only vegetables and meat. I will tell you I have NO desire to go back to that diet. I almost quit eating altogether because after 4 days of only meat - you get very sick of it. I did, however, begin to lose weight - over the course of about a month I lost 30 pounds.

I realized very quickly that the 500 calorie a day diet was unrealistic for me - I couldn't live like that, nor did I want to. So, I kind of gave up trying - nothing else had really worked in the past so there was no sense in trying those all over again. Besides, even after 30 lbs, when you fail to receive the approval that you're seeking you kind of figure what's the point?

Towards the end of September in 2009, the biggest emotional trial occurred and it changed many things for me. I had no way to cope and no way to heal. I essentially locked myself in my room whenever I was home.  Of course, when you live at home this kind of worries your parents. Fair I suppose.  To get out of the house, I began to walk around my neighborhood.  Walking didn't really help much, so in order to punish myself and my body, I started to run - the most hated activity I could think of for myself.

Ironically, to my surprise, I began to enjoy the challenge running presented and liked finding a way to push myself or really punish myself further.  I'd push myself so much that I was running 10-12 miles a week and coming home to ice my legs because they would ache. Maybe 10-12 miles isn't much for some, but to go from nothing to that in a short amount of time, my body hurt. In January of 2010, I noticed that even after 3 solid months of running, I had yet to lose a single pound. So, I mixed it up and worked on my P90X and running. I lost maybe 5 pounds over the course of 4 months. As the year continued I got to the point where I made absolutely no progress in running because I was too heavy for my body to improve.

In February of 2010, I decided to take part in Lent for the first time ever - I gave up soda and sweets for 6 weeks. I didn't lose a pound and have yet to return to my soda-drinking habit. I had also noticed that for quite some time I had been having other problems of a female nature - I chalked this up to stress and working out.  In the beginning of August this year, I gave up running. I was pushing myself so hard at times I couldn't breathe and almost passed out.  I regained almost 10-15 lbs in two weeks.

After my birthday, I decided to purchase myself a gym membership. I even got myself a personal trainer. Since August, I have been working out almost 5 times a week and been conscious of my eating. I've lost barely 5 pounds. I finally decided to go to the doctor; I had convinced myself that I had hypothyroidism because that makes it very difficult/practically impossible for your body to lose weight and I had also been struggling alot with fatigue.  Mom has hypothyroidism and it made sense that I would have it as well. This past week, my results came back and I'm ridiculously healthy. No hypthyroidism, no anemia - nothing to explain what was going on with my body.

I was very confused by this, so I began googling my results to figure out what was wrong. One of two things came up: hypothyroidism and Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).  I began to look into PCOS more and realized that I had been having many other symptoms that I was unaware was a "symptom" of anything.  Upon further research, I've come to understand that there is no cure for PCOS. It's a disease that can only be managed....by a low carb diet. I very much frown on a low carb diet; Mom and I had tried Atkins years ago and I very much failed at it. I understand now, though, that Atkins is the absolute most unhealthy way to eat a low-carb diet. Going to McDonald's and getting four cheeseburgers without the bun does not make you healthier.  Oh no - you should be replacing the carbs you would normally eat with veggies...yay. My favorite - no bread, veggies, no refined sugars. Great.

But, after spending plenty of time reading up on PCOS (which I am completely unaware may not be what I have), those that have PCOS that fail to manage it through a diet can suffer from infertility and it has also been found to lead to cancer. Nothing I want for myself. So, until I can get a doctor's appt., I have decided to embark on a low-carb lifestyle change. It is very good for you and if it helps alleviate my symptoms, then maybe I'm headed in the right direction in finding a solution for what's wrong with me.

So tomorrow, I change my life - I refuse to call this a diet. It's not a diet. A diet is something that is temporary and, to me, unsustainable. Two things I also do not want.  I will do my best to chronicle my journey as I begin trying to reach a sustainable healthy lifestyle. All prayers are appreciated, as this will not be an easy task. Through a conversation with a friend, I realized that perhaps I've made food an idol in my life. Maybe this is the way for the Lord to remove an idol from my life.

Promises Promises...

Today my heart is slightly heavy and it's about a subject sensitive to most single ladies' hearts. Ah - you already know what I'm referring to - that relationship with the right guy that leads to marriage.  Or maybe a better way to put it - our singlehood. I have no desire to dwell on this, because, as I said - sensitive, right? But, it has been coming up - ALOT - everywhere I turn. Down to my friend posting as her status on FB "I always thought I'd be married by 22...man was I wrong..."

So I ask - ok, Lord. What's up? Why do you keep putting this in front of me? This is not something I want to think about. I already feel like I'm the only single girl left - why on earth would I want to continue to think on it?

When I read my friend's status - subconsciously, I thought "broken promises." Wow - is that what I really think? The Lord has failed to fulfill His promises? I don't know what the Lord has promised my friend and can't make a judgement call about it. But, that's my instinctive response - the Lord has broken His promise about providing a spouse. Deep down I feel this has been the same in my life - He has failed me in this area. I know, I know - I'm young. Yet, this same issue had weighed terribly heavy on my heart as of late.

My time will come, but what if it's not until I'm well until [or heaven forbid past] my 30s? I will admit - I do not want to wait until that time, but am I willing to wait or will I settle? I've seen many settle - some I know and some I don't know very well. So is my will to wait for someone the Lord has meant for me stronger than my desire to find someone? I'm not sure the answer to that question is the answer I want.

An Amiable and Expressive with a dash of Analytical

Every so often I glance back at moments, events, months, days, what have you and give myself a little pat on the back for what I have accomplished during said amount of time. Other times, I'm disheartened by the results. Sometimes, there are certain moments you always go back to, just to check on your progress. I especially love doing this as a "spiritual barometer." I say to myself, "Ooooh, only so many months ago I struggled with this and now I don't. Good job, Anna." (I am very aware of the faulty thinking here - stick with me.) A) It is never good job, Anna - I can't do ANY of it. B) I should never ever lie to myself and believe I'm "done struggling" with something.

As the year is rapidly coming to a close, I tend to unconsciously take inventory of the past year. Let me tell you here and now - I am so ready to be DONE with 2010. And, yet, as I say that - so much GOOD has come out of it. I have been immeasurably blessed this year, yet I run from 2010 as if January 1, 2011 at 12:01 everything will be different. It won't. I'll still be me. I'll still struggle. I'll still laugh. I'll still cry. I'll still hurt. It will all be there. Regardless there is some level of hope that comes with the promise of a new year. And, as much as I can't help myself, I find myself looking back before looking forward. Reflecting on the past can be a very healthy exercise, with the right outlook and mindset. Recognizing that growth has happened through the mercy of Christ and recognizing areas where we still have room for improvement. A challenge for today and tomorrow and a continual challenge until Christ takes us home.

Last night I found myself in a conversation with a friend that took a surprising turn (to me at least). Alot I've never shared out loud came out - a rare moment of vulnerability. It's started with this class I took earlier in the week about personalities. I learned alot...not about others' personalities, but my own. I was forced to look at the good AND bad that comes with me. Now, a little side note - this was a work class and in no way a spiritual or Christian exercise...but, it seems to have turned out that way. I was forced to sit there and hear this teacher explain in very black and white terms varying [accurate] negative aspects about me. (Not me personally, but my personality type)

For anyone interested in knowing - my main personality type based on how I rated myself and how others rated me is amiable. People pleaser. Group oriented. Emotional (easily gets feelings hurt). Tree hugger. (Ok, not really, but alot of tree huggers do fall into this category due to the wanting everyone to feel good/comfortable/included.) What is the one main negative aspect of this type? We never forget. Oh how true this is. We store away our grievances - either at ourselves or others. And, when the time is just right - we get our revenge. We lie in wait for the perfect moment of vengeance. How ugly of a person does this make me feel? Essentially if you mess up, not only will I remember, I will get you back for it.

Although, there aren't very pretty sides to my personality, it's been incredibly eye-opening. To be forced to come face to face with the dark parts of your heart. I like to believe that hey, these really aren't bad parts but rather it's all in how you view it. Well, in another conversation with another friend that occurred this evening, I told her in a slight moment of revelation: these are not habits that have been formed. These are not trained behaviors. This is something ingrained in the very core of my being. With the positive parts of my personality come the negatives - it is not a choice. The bigger revelation - this isn't something I can "untrain" or remove the habit of - which sounds so lovely of being able to keep up a habit or lack thereof for 2 weeks and you're golden. No, any time I struggle with these negative personality manifestations, I will have to choose to go against the grain - every time. It will always be unnatural for me to make that choice.

It will never be easy for me to forget. I always have a dangerously crystal clear memory. And deep down, the human side of me always wants to get back at those that have done me wrong. Looking back, maybe that's what I've been doing wrong all this time: holding out in hopes of revenge. Believing justice will come (either by my hand or someone else's). What if it comes but isn't of the "right kind" of justice I believe it should be? Where does mercy come in to play with this mindset? Where do you balance the desire for justice and a desire for mercy through reconciliation? All questions to spend time pondering. Have you ever walked through something that you felt your hurt was never properly vindicated or maybe even acknowledged? What did you do with that?