Africa: The beginning

I'm going to Africa - but, if you've been on my Facebook or have email...you most likely already know this.  I found out about two months ago there was a trip and then about a month ago I found out I was going on the trip.  I haven't even made it to the airport yet and my heart and life are already forever changed.

Where to start? Well, first and foremost - I joined a new small group. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G group of ladies. Seriously. You will definitely begin to understand why as you read on.

So, to rewind a few weeks (roughly 3): some things occurred in my personal life that led me to the revelation that I have never recognized value in myself. Put more bluntly: subconsciously, I've viewed myself as worthless. To quickly sum all this up: in alot of ways I felt my problems, my hurts, my joys, and me were not worth time and energy.

This filtered over into my preparation for Africa. As I went to our mandatory meetings, I began to feel like I wasn't good enough to go. I wasn't worth the money I was being given because I felt I wasn't going to raise enough support to go, therefore it was going to "waste."

As I very clearly saw this was an issue, I began to pray and share.  Ironically, sharing was the harder of the two. But, as I opened up with my discipleship partner, small group and a few close friends, the Lord has gradually worked on my view of my value. Am I still struggling with this? Very much so, but I've made progress.

Part of this has come in being humbled, not only in asking for money but in receiving it. I've never had to put myself in a place where I couldn't be independent. I have a good job, a good education, a car, a house, a family, etc. I don't want for anything, yet I'm at a huge disadvantage (in some ways) spiritually because of this.

This Africa trip is the first time I've had to be dependent on the Lord to provide for me. I couldn't afford this trip on my own. Four weeks ago, I calculated how much I could pull out of savings. I prayed - alright Lord, if you could just provide $2500 for the trip, I can do the rest.

I wrote my support letter and put it out there. Scary. Scary to admit you need support. Scary to think you might fail. Scary to think this isn't what the Lord wants for you. Scary because it made me fully rely on the Lord to come through.

I waited. Week one I got my fundraising update: I had $100. Panic set in - that fear of failure crept up.

So, I prayed - alright, God, maybe You don't want me to go? Maybe this isn't what you had for me. Maybe I heard you wrong? And then I had people ask - you really expect to go? You only have a few weeks to raise the money.

I began to doubt this was what the Lord wanted and thought of throwing in the towel. A few more people donated and I had 10% of my funds on the next update I received. More panic set in - I had about 25 days or so left before I was getting on a plane to Africa.

So, I prayed. I was on the fence if I should even try, but the Lord HAD provided money. So, I made the scarier decision to continue pursuing raising money for this trip. I shared with my small group one night about how stressed I was about the trip. Stressed because I was 90% away from my goal. And I was discouraged.

So they prayed.  I got a mid-week update from our trip leader (unusual) with encouragement. I had been given an anonymous donation of $600. Once more - thank you, whoever you are; you'll never know how much that meant.

I kept praying - I know I'm meant to go on this trip. The money will be provided and I won't have to take money out of my savings. Last Monday, I was $1,800+ short of my goal. We're cutting it a little close there. Michelle, one of my small group leaders and someone also going on the trip, suggested I do a garage sale. I spent time praying about it and felt that's what the Lord wanted me to do.

This past Thursday was our last Africa meeting before we left and I asked our team leader if she could just check to see how I was coming along financially for the trip. A few people here and there mentioned they donated.

Can I just say - I'm moved by people giving to my trip. Downright stunned, humbled and overwhelmed. I really don't think anything has really affected my heart in such a personal way as this experience.

Iris, our team leader, told me someone who I have never met, donated an astounding $800. WOW. I had no words. I cried my entire drive home. I've never felt such a weight in my heart to give. I found out that the guy who gave me the money was someone from the guy's small group. Even in writing this, I'm still amazed and emotional over this.

As of Thursday, I was $900+ away from my goal. I was allowed to set up a table at someone else's garage sale, which was incredibly nice of them. They donated all the money they raised throughout the day to my trip. I raised close to $400, including their donation. Oh, and I can't forget to mention that MOST of the items sold were not mine - they were donated by ladies in my small group, friends, and my parents.

I had all of my money as of Tuesday. Talk about faithfulness. Want to challenge your faith? Go on a trip where you have to raise funds - that changes you.

I started this blog on Monday, but couldn't finish it. The Lord said this part of the story wasn't over - I wasn't supposed to finish until I could say I had all the money I needed. I have the money - I'm packing my suitcase and waiting on laundry as I write this. Tomorrow starts the next part of the story.

Tomorrow will be the first time I go to Africa. First time I travel internationally. First time to serve on a mission trip like this. First time to experience a completely new culture. First time to really go on an adventure. There's no turning back (not that I want to) and I'm so stinking excited to see what will happen. I think it will be BIG - it already has been.

Life lately

A friend said to me this week, "Anna - I'm really good at internalizing my conflict." So am I. I've started several posts over the course of the past few months and haven't been able to push the "Publish Post" button. Either, I felt it didn't do someone justice or I just decided that, in the end, I didn't want to publicly share what was going on in my life.

So, I guess a good re-cap on what's happened from April - I found out my New Year's Eve this past year changed a good friendship in a negative way (but just found this out a short while ago). What's ironically harder on me is the fact that I'm not terribly sad to see this person go. Friendships remind me of what my dad tells me of stocks - "Anna, if your stock has dropped 25% and you're receiving no return, then it's time to cut your losses and sell." Sometimes there's that point with friendships, right? If you're putting forth effort and getting 25% returned effort, perhaps it's time to cut your losses and move on? I'm not really sure where that line is, to be honest. At what point do you give up and walk away to protect your own sanity? After hearing what happened on NYE, I know that regardless of what little return I felt I was receiving in the friendship, it was time to walk away.

BUT, after finding this out - through the great help of my lovely sister-in-law - I've started going to a new small group. And get this: they have a nice mix of married and single ladies, they're all close to my age, and I feel comfortable there. Awesome! Granted, it's in Dallas, but I'm at the point where I need fellowship. If I have to drive to Dallas for that - so be it. I'll survive.

On another note - I recently had my one year anniversary at my job! Yeah!! Feels good to work at a place like that. I feel challenged and capable (some days) and I feel there's a good future.

I'm planning a vacation. I'm starting to get that worn out feeling. My schedule stays pretty busy throughout the week. And I need to get out of Arlington...well Texas, even. I'm hopeful the friend I'm planning this with will indeed be able to go.

Hmm let's see what else has been going on? Doing a cake decorating class. Will have one of my first student loans paid off within the next few months. Life is just kind of coasting along.

Finally, a quick shout out to my amazing dad. I got my sense of humor and math skills from him and couldn't ask for a better dad. Love you and am so so so glad you weren't taken from me four years ago. You are so precious.

Sharing the Love

Thank you, Minda, for sharing this.

I needed to hear that.

Terrific Twos

Here's a list of some of my favorite things....(I copied this idea, but changed it up a bit, from one of the blogs I've recently spent a lot of time perusing).

Websites:

 www.hostesswiththemostess.com

-I LOVE this website and could spend countless hours on here. Great ideas for fun and different themed party ideas!

www.cupcakesandcashmere.com

- In love with this blog. This girl is a crafty foodie and fashionista. She does home decor ideas, outfits, recipes, how-tos. In general - brilliant. (If you like those kinds of things that is) Copied the favorite things idea from her.


Fashion:

Lace! I love it - so girly yet sophisticated (if done correctly). I'm obsessed. I especially love the idea of a crisp white lace dress. Perfect for summer.

Color blocking! So bold and beautiful. I love taking two complementary colors and making such bold statements with them. It's simple and colorful.

Music:

Britney Spears' newest album Femme Fatale. Very clubby - love it!

ADELE and her album 21. I underestimated her. She has an incredibly soulful voice.

Beauty:

Braids!! How have I never appreciated the braid?! It can easily be dressed up or down. I'm pretty sure this will be one of my go-to hairstyles this spring/summer.

The "nude" trend. Au naturale face - perfect for me, as I hate wearing pounds of makeup. Nude nails - simple and clean. Nude heels- elongate the legs...what else could you need?

Ah summer - you are welcome here.

A Short One

Sometimes moms are right.

"Anna, you need friends that have money too. So they can afford to do things with you."

So. Right.

Where do I find those people?

Fairytales

Last night after writing my blog post, I went to bed with a heavy heart.  I felt frustrated, boxed in and limited.  Trapped, even.  I went to bed, and couldn’t sleep.  The Lord very clearly gave me a Bible verse to go look at…which led me to all of the following.

Now, I typically don’t like to talk about relationships much (as a single lady).  I feel it teeters on a danger zone and can put your heart in a position it doesn’t need to be in.  However, I think I should share what was revealed to me last night, which will very much be about relationships.

As little girls, we are introduced to the fairytale: Princes and Princesses and happily ever after.  We get caught up in the idea that one day our Prince will come find us, and he’ll be perfect.  Then, we get older, and realize that maybe the fairytale doesn’t exist.  

•        Sometimes, the Princess sees a Prince (or any male in general) and, instead of waiting to see if he’ll come get her – she decides to go get him. Maybe he was looking for a different Princess.
•      Some Princesses just give up and are no longer on the lookout for their Prince. And, if he DOES find them, no one wants a Princess wallowing in self-pity or someone who’s bitter.
•        Other Princesses find out their Prince has been kissing all the other Princesses on Palace Avenue.
•        Yet still, some princesses decide they’ll do it on their own, because they don’t need a dumb Prince to help them. They’re independent and can do it their own way.
•        Princesses can decide that the Duke or Count (or, heck, in some cases, even the Stable Boy) is an okay alternative for a Prince. I mean, it’s not like there have been any Princes that have come through that part of the country.
•        Sometimes, the Prince isn’t all he’s portrayed himself to be. Maybe he’s arrogant and self-centered and only found the Princess to make himself look better. Sometimes, he stops trying once he’s got his Princess and becomes a lazy fool. Or many other numerous scenarios.

So, as this was playing out in my head, I thought, “Maybe referring to females as princesses is in poor taste and outdated.”  Besides, I’ve had friends obsessed with the princess/crown theme, which has definitely turned me off to the idea.  But, thinking further and barring any female that takes the princess theme to the extreme and becomes an entitled, self-centered diva, princess is right.

A princess is someone that has value.  She is cherished.  She is honored.  She is respected.  She is a leader.  She is important.  She is loved.  She is treasured.  She is influential.  Her words hold worth and weight.  And, as females we should view ourselves as such.

To tie this in to the verse the Lord gave me, He reminded me of the man who looked for the pearl.  “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”

Matthew 13:44-46

I had always seen this as someone finding Jesus, or Him finding us.  But, the Lord told me that maybe I should consider myself as the pearl/treasure – I have NEVER considered myself as this.  Wait for the merchant [man] who will not only search for BUT recognize the pearl/treasure of great value [me].

So, I started looking up “treasure” and found many other Bible verses to support this.

“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.”

-Proverbs 18:22

Then, in Song of Solomon, the bride is called his treasure numerous times.

“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride.  You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.  Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride.  Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices.”

-Song of Solomon 4:9-10

“You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.”

-Song of Solomon 4:12

“I have entered my garden, my treasure, my bride!”

-Song of Solomon 5:1a

And, finally, what struck me the most:

“Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend.”

-Song of Solomon 5:16b

She doesn’t mean some some dude I just met.  Or some guy I think will be great to have children with.  Or this man who I could possibly make marriage work with.  But, he’s a friend.  This to me means someone you share commonality with, a comrade, buddy, and confidante.  It’s someone you enjoy spending time with and sharing your life with.  Someone to laugh with.  Now THAT’S what I want.  I’ll hold tight to the idea of fairytales and keep looking out my little window in the tower and be the Princess that actively waits for the Prince.  As my Aunt S said, “I’m GLAD you’re picky.” So am I…so am I.

Stay Back!

Children love boundaries - or at least thrive with them...that's what I hear parents say. Boundaries provide structure, safety and prevent chaos. They are good, healthy and necessary.

Well, we as children of Christ are also to operate within certain boundaries - granted, this can be different for each individual. However, ultimately, the Bible gives us the guidelines and boundaries with which we are to live by.

A few months ago, I felt the Lord draw in my boundaries in a certain area of my life. I feel like He took me from a field to play in to a little 4x4 fenced in area. Some days it's frustrating, but I KNOW it's good for me.

Of course, almost immediately after I was given those boundaries - I tested them. And, not surprisingly, I got hurt. A gentle reminder from the Lord that there is purpose behind fencing me in, and it's not to be hurtful and controlling, but to protect me from the hurt.

I do know, though, at any time, I can leave my 4x4 area and frolic in the field...at my own risk. Being the somewhat free spirit I am...or more, hard-headed gal, this is oh-so-tempting. These boundaries are not going to be patrolled by the Lord. He won't be walking around the perimeter to make sure I'm following in line...it's up to me.  I have to make the decision to stay. I have to decide what's important - obedience and safety or selfishness and pain.

Tonight was the first time I had to stay inside the fence. It's hard and I feel REALLY limited in some ways. But, He's protecting me from the hurt. He has my best interest in mind. I have to trust and believe this.