Africa: The beginning

I'm going to Africa - but, if you've been on my Facebook or have email...you most likely already know this.  I found out about two months ago there was a trip and then about a month ago I found out I was going on the trip.  I haven't even made it to the airport yet and my heart and life are already forever changed.

Where to start? Well, first and foremost - I joined a new small group. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G group of ladies. Seriously. You will definitely begin to understand why as you read on.

So, to rewind a few weeks (roughly 3): some things occurred in my personal life that led me to the revelation that I have never recognized value in myself. Put more bluntly: subconsciously, I've viewed myself as worthless. To quickly sum all this up: in alot of ways I felt my problems, my hurts, my joys, and me were not worth time and energy.

This filtered over into my preparation for Africa. As I went to our mandatory meetings, I began to feel like I wasn't good enough to go. I wasn't worth the money I was being given because I felt I wasn't going to raise enough support to go, therefore it was going to "waste."

As I very clearly saw this was an issue, I began to pray and share.  Ironically, sharing was the harder of the two. But, as I opened up with my discipleship partner, small group and a few close friends, the Lord has gradually worked on my view of my value. Am I still struggling with this? Very much so, but I've made progress.

Part of this has come in being humbled, not only in asking for money but in receiving it. I've never had to put myself in a place where I couldn't be independent. I have a good job, a good education, a car, a house, a family, etc. I don't want for anything, yet I'm at a huge disadvantage (in some ways) spiritually because of this.

This Africa trip is the first time I've had to be dependent on the Lord to provide for me. I couldn't afford this trip on my own. Four weeks ago, I calculated how much I could pull out of savings. I prayed - alright Lord, if you could just provide $2500 for the trip, I can do the rest.

I wrote my support letter and put it out there. Scary. Scary to admit you need support. Scary to think you might fail. Scary to think this isn't what the Lord wants for you. Scary because it made me fully rely on the Lord to come through.

I waited. Week one I got my fundraising update: I had $100. Panic set in - that fear of failure crept up.

So, I prayed - alright, God, maybe You don't want me to go? Maybe this isn't what you had for me. Maybe I heard you wrong? And then I had people ask - you really expect to go? You only have a few weeks to raise the money.

I began to doubt this was what the Lord wanted and thought of throwing in the towel. A few more people donated and I had 10% of my funds on the next update I received. More panic set in - I had about 25 days or so left before I was getting on a plane to Africa.

So, I prayed. I was on the fence if I should even try, but the Lord HAD provided money. So, I made the scarier decision to continue pursuing raising money for this trip. I shared with my small group one night about how stressed I was about the trip. Stressed because I was 90% away from my goal. And I was discouraged.

So they prayed.  I got a mid-week update from our trip leader (unusual) with encouragement. I had been given an anonymous donation of $600. Once more - thank you, whoever you are; you'll never know how much that meant.

I kept praying - I know I'm meant to go on this trip. The money will be provided and I won't have to take money out of my savings. Last Monday, I was $1,800+ short of my goal. We're cutting it a little close there. Michelle, one of my small group leaders and someone also going on the trip, suggested I do a garage sale. I spent time praying about it and felt that's what the Lord wanted me to do.

This past Thursday was our last Africa meeting before we left and I asked our team leader if she could just check to see how I was coming along financially for the trip. A few people here and there mentioned they donated.

Can I just say - I'm moved by people giving to my trip. Downright stunned, humbled and overwhelmed. I really don't think anything has really affected my heart in such a personal way as this experience.

Iris, our team leader, told me someone who I have never met, donated an astounding $800. WOW. I had no words. I cried my entire drive home. I've never felt such a weight in my heart to give. I found out that the guy who gave me the money was someone from the guy's small group. Even in writing this, I'm still amazed and emotional over this.

As of Thursday, I was $900+ away from my goal. I was allowed to set up a table at someone else's garage sale, which was incredibly nice of them. They donated all the money they raised throughout the day to my trip. I raised close to $400, including their donation. Oh, and I can't forget to mention that MOST of the items sold were not mine - they were donated by ladies in my small group, friends, and my parents.

I had all of my money as of Tuesday. Talk about faithfulness. Want to challenge your faith? Go on a trip where you have to raise funds - that changes you.

I started this blog on Monday, but couldn't finish it. The Lord said this part of the story wasn't over - I wasn't supposed to finish until I could say I had all the money I needed. I have the money - I'm packing my suitcase and waiting on laundry as I write this. Tomorrow starts the next part of the story.

Tomorrow will be the first time I go to Africa. First time I travel internationally. First time to serve on a mission trip like this. First time to experience a completely new culture. First time to really go on an adventure. There's no turning back (not that I want to) and I'm so stinking excited to see what will happen. I think it will be BIG - it already has been.

An Amiable and Expressive with a dash of Analytical

Every so often I glance back at moments, events, months, days, what have you and give myself a little pat on the back for what I have accomplished during said amount of time. Other times, I'm disheartened by the results. Sometimes, there are certain moments you always go back to, just to check on your progress. I especially love doing this as a "spiritual barometer." I say to myself, "Ooooh, only so many months ago I struggled with this and now I don't. Good job, Anna." (I am very aware of the faulty thinking here - stick with me.) A) It is never good job, Anna - I can't do ANY of it. B) I should never ever lie to myself and believe I'm "done struggling" with something.

As the year is rapidly coming to a close, I tend to unconsciously take inventory of the past year. Let me tell you here and now - I am so ready to be DONE with 2010. And, yet, as I say that - so much GOOD has come out of it. I have been immeasurably blessed this year, yet I run from 2010 as if January 1, 2011 at 12:01 everything will be different. It won't. I'll still be me. I'll still struggle. I'll still laugh. I'll still cry. I'll still hurt. It will all be there. Regardless there is some level of hope that comes with the promise of a new year. And, as much as I can't help myself, I find myself looking back before looking forward. Reflecting on the past can be a very healthy exercise, with the right outlook and mindset. Recognizing that growth has happened through the mercy of Christ and recognizing areas where we still have room for improvement. A challenge for today and tomorrow and a continual challenge until Christ takes us home.

Last night I found myself in a conversation with a friend that took a surprising turn (to me at least). Alot I've never shared out loud came out - a rare moment of vulnerability. It's started with this class I took earlier in the week about personalities. I learned alot...not about others' personalities, but my own. I was forced to look at the good AND bad that comes with me. Now, a little side note - this was a work class and in no way a spiritual or Christian exercise...but, it seems to have turned out that way. I was forced to sit there and hear this teacher explain in very black and white terms varying [accurate] negative aspects about me. (Not me personally, but my personality type)

For anyone interested in knowing - my main personality type based on how I rated myself and how others rated me is amiable. People pleaser. Group oriented. Emotional (easily gets feelings hurt). Tree hugger. (Ok, not really, but alot of tree huggers do fall into this category due to the wanting everyone to feel good/comfortable/included.) What is the one main negative aspect of this type? We never forget. Oh how true this is. We store away our grievances - either at ourselves or others. And, when the time is just right - we get our revenge. We lie in wait for the perfect moment of vengeance. How ugly of a person does this make me feel? Essentially if you mess up, not only will I remember, I will get you back for it.

Although, there aren't very pretty sides to my personality, it's been incredibly eye-opening. To be forced to come face to face with the dark parts of your heart. I like to believe that hey, these really aren't bad parts but rather it's all in how you view it. Well, in another conversation with another friend that occurred this evening, I told her in a slight moment of revelation: these are not habits that have been formed. These are not trained behaviors. This is something ingrained in the very core of my being. With the positive parts of my personality come the negatives - it is not a choice. The bigger revelation - this isn't something I can "untrain" or remove the habit of - which sounds so lovely of being able to keep up a habit or lack thereof for 2 weeks and you're golden. No, any time I struggle with these negative personality manifestations, I will have to choose to go against the grain - every time. It will always be unnatural for me to make that choice.

It will never be easy for me to forget. I always have a dangerously crystal clear memory. And deep down, the human side of me always wants to get back at those that have done me wrong. Looking back, maybe that's what I've been doing wrong all this time: holding out in hopes of revenge. Believing justice will come (either by my hand or someone else's). What if it comes but isn't of the "right kind" of justice I believe it should be? Where does mercy come in to play with this mindset? Where do you balance the desire for justice and a desire for mercy through reconciliation? All questions to spend time pondering. Have you ever walked through something that you felt your hurt was never properly vindicated or maybe even acknowledged? What did you do with that?