Sunday, November 14, 2010

A new chapter in my journey

Tomorrow is a big day - tomorrow I embark on a new journey, well maybe more like a new chapter to a journey. But, before I can begin about this new embarkment, I have to share where I've been. It started [almost] 2 years ago in February of 2009. Before I begin - I ask that you do not judge me for what I'm going to share; I'm sure there are a few people out there that have opinions on the following.

February 2009 - A friend told me about this diet that a nutritionist had given her mom's friend. From here I began my journey to lose weight - I was not doing this for myself or my health, but for others. I wanted to look a certain way to attract a certain type of attention. That is never a good goal, because others' idea of what you should look like changes from person to person. I began a 500 calorie a day diet. Of only vegetables and meat. I will tell you I have NO desire to go back to that diet. I almost quit eating altogether because after 4 days of only meat - you get very sick of it. I did, however, begin to lose weight - over the course of about a month I lost 30 pounds.

I realized very quickly that the 500 calorie a day diet was unrealistic for me - I couldn't live like that, nor did I want to. So, I kind of gave up trying - nothing else had really worked in the past so there was no sense in trying those all over again. Besides, even after 30 lbs, when you fail to receive the approval that you're seeking you kind of figure what's the point?

Towards the end of September in 2009, the biggest emotional trial occurred and it changed many things for me. I had no way to cope and no way to heal. I essentially locked myself in my room whenever I was home.  Of course, when you live at home this kind of worries your parents. Fair I suppose.  To get out of the house, I began to walk around my neighborhood.  Walking didn't really help much, so in order to punish myself and my body, I started to run - the most hated activity I could think of for myself.

Ironically, to my surprise, I began to enjoy the challenge running presented and liked finding a way to push myself or really punish myself further.  I'd push myself so much that I was running 10-12 miles a week and coming home to ice my legs because they would ache. Maybe 10-12 miles isn't much for some, but to go from nothing to that in a short amount of time, my body hurt. In January of 2010, I noticed that even after 3 solid months of running, I had yet to lose a single pound. So, I mixed it up and worked on my P90X and running. I lost maybe 5 pounds over the course of 4 months. As the year continued I got to the point where I made absolutely no progress in running because I was too heavy for my body to improve.

In February of 2010, I decided to take part in Lent for the first time ever - I gave up soda and sweets for 6 weeks. I didn't lose a pound and have yet to return to my soda-drinking habit. I had also noticed that for quite some time I had been having other problems of a female nature - I chalked this up to stress and working out.  In the beginning of August this year, I gave up running. I was pushing myself so hard at times I couldn't breathe and almost passed out.  I regained almost 10-15 lbs in two weeks.

After my birthday, I decided to purchase myself a gym membership. I even got myself a personal trainer. Since August, I have been working out almost 5 times a week and been conscious of my eating. I've lost barely 5 pounds. I finally decided to go to the doctor; I had convinced myself that I had hypothyroidism because that makes it very difficult/practically impossible for your body to lose weight and I had also been struggling alot with fatigue.  Mom has hypothyroidism and it made sense that I would have it as well. This past week, my results came back and I'm ridiculously healthy. No hypthyroidism, no anemia - nothing to explain what was going on with my body.

I was very confused by this, so I began googling my results to figure out what was wrong. One of two things came up: hypothyroidism and Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).  I began to look into PCOS more and realized that I had been having many other symptoms that I was unaware was a "symptom" of anything.  Upon further research, I've come to understand that there is no cure for PCOS. It's a disease that can only be managed....by a low carb diet. I very much frown on a low carb diet; Mom and I had tried Atkins years ago and I very much failed at it. I understand now, though, that Atkins is the absolute most unhealthy way to eat a low-carb diet. Going to McDonald's and getting four cheeseburgers without the bun does not make you healthier.  Oh no - you should be replacing the carbs you would normally eat with veggies...yay. My favorite - no bread, veggies, no refined sugars. Great.

But, after spending plenty of time reading up on PCOS (which I am completely unaware may not be what I have), those that have PCOS that fail to manage it through a diet can suffer from infertility and it has also been found to lead to cancer. Nothing I want for myself. So, until I can get a doctor's appt., I have decided to embark on a low-carb lifestyle change. It is very good for you and if it helps alleviate my symptoms, then maybe I'm headed in the right direction in finding a solution for what's wrong with me.

So tomorrow, I change my life - I refuse to call this a diet. It's not a diet. A diet is something that is temporary and, to me, unsustainable. Two things I also do not want.  I will do my best to chronicle my journey as I begin trying to reach a sustainable healthy lifestyle. All prayers are appreciated, as this will not be an easy task. Through a conversation with a friend, I realized that perhaps I've made food an idol in my life. Maybe this is the way for the Lord to remove an idol from my life.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Promises Promises...

Today my heart is slightly heavy and it's about a subject sensitive to most single ladies' hearts. Ah - you already know what I'm referring to - that relationship with the right guy that leads to marriage.  Or maybe a better way to put it - our singlehood. I have no desire to dwell on this, because, as I said - sensitive, right? But, it has been coming up - ALOT - everywhere I turn. Down to my friend posting as her status on FB "I always thought I'd be married by 22...man was I wrong..."

So I ask - ok, Lord. What's up? Why do you keep putting this in front of me? This is not something I want to think about. I already feel like I'm the only single girl left - why on earth would I want to continue to think on it?

When I read my friend's status - subconsciously, I thought "broken promises." Wow - is that what I really think? The Lord has failed to fulfill His promises? I don't know what the Lord has promised my friend and can't make a judgement call about it. But, that's my instinctive response - the Lord has broken His promise about providing a spouse. Deep down I feel this has been the same in my life - He has failed me in this area. I know, I know - I'm young. Yet, this same issue had weighed terribly heavy on my heart as of late.

My time will come, but what if it's not until I'm well until [or heaven forbid past] my 30s? I will admit - I do not want to wait until that time, but am I willing to wait or will I settle? I've seen many settle - some I know and some I don't know very well. So is my will to wait for someone the Lord has meant for me stronger than my desire to find someone? I'm not sure the answer to that question is the answer I want.

Monday, November 1, 2010

An Amiable and Expressive with a dash of Analytical

Every so often I glance back at moments, events, months, days, what have you and give myself a little pat on the back for what I have accomplished during said amount of time. Other times, I'm disheartened by the results. Sometimes, there are certain moments you always go back to, just to check on your progress. I especially love doing this as a "spiritual barometer." I say to myself, "Ooooh, only so many months ago I struggled with this and now I don't. Good job, Anna." (I am very aware of the faulty thinking here - stick with me.) A) It is never good job, Anna - I can't do ANY of it. B) I should never ever lie to myself and believe I'm "done struggling" with something.

As the year is rapidly coming to a close, I tend to unconsciously take inventory of the past year. Let me tell you here and now - I am so ready to be DONE with 2010. And, yet, as I say that - so much GOOD has come out of it. I have been immeasurably blessed this year, yet I run from 2010 as if January 1, 2011 at 12:01 everything will be different. It won't. I'll still be me. I'll still struggle. I'll still laugh. I'll still cry. I'll still hurt. It will all be there. Regardless there is some level of hope that comes with the promise of a new year. And, as much as I can't help myself, I find myself looking back before looking forward. Reflecting on the past can be a very healthy exercise, with the right outlook and mindset. Recognizing that growth has happened through the mercy of Christ and recognizing areas where we still have room for improvement. A challenge for today and tomorrow and a continual challenge until Christ takes us home.

Last night I found myself in a conversation with a friend that took a surprising turn (to me at least). Alot I've never shared out loud came out - a rare moment of vulnerability. It's started with this class I took earlier in the week about personalities. I learned alot...not about others' personalities, but my own. I was forced to look at the good AND bad that comes with me. Now, a little side note - this was a work class and in no way a spiritual or Christian exercise...but, it seems to have turned out that way. I was forced to sit there and hear this teacher explain in very black and white terms varying [accurate] negative aspects about me. (Not me personally, but my personality type)

For anyone interested in knowing - my main personality type based on how I rated myself and how others rated me is amiable. People pleaser. Group oriented. Emotional (easily gets feelings hurt). Tree hugger. (Ok, not really, but alot of tree huggers do fall into this category due to the wanting everyone to feel good/comfortable/included.) What is the one main negative aspect of this type? We never forget. Oh how true this is. We store away our grievances - either at ourselves or others. And, when the time is just right - we get our revenge. We lie in wait for the perfect moment of vengeance. How ugly of a person does this make me feel? Essentially if you mess up, not only will I remember, I will get you back for it.

Although, there aren't very pretty sides to my personality, it's been incredibly eye-opening. To be forced to come face to face with the dark parts of your heart. I like to believe that hey, these really aren't bad parts but rather it's all in how you view it. Well, in another conversation with another friend that occurred this evening, I told her in a slight moment of revelation: these are not habits that have been formed. These are not trained behaviors. This is something ingrained in the very core of my being. With the positive parts of my personality come the negatives - it is not a choice. The bigger revelation - this isn't something I can "untrain" or remove the habit of - which sounds so lovely of being able to keep up a habit or lack thereof for 2 weeks and you're golden. No, any time I struggle with these negative personality manifestations, I will have to choose to go against the grain - every time. It will always be unnatural for me to make that choice.

It will never be easy for me to forget. I always have a dangerously crystal clear memory. And deep down, the human side of me always wants to get back at those that have done me wrong. Looking back, maybe that's what I've been doing wrong all this time: holding out in hopes of revenge. Believing justice will come (either by my hand or someone else's). What if it comes but isn't of the "right kind" of justice I believe it should be? Where does mercy come in to play with this mindset? Where do you balance the desire for justice and a desire for mercy through reconciliation? All questions to spend time pondering. Have you ever walked through something that you felt your hurt was never properly vindicated or maybe even acknowledged? What did you do with that?