An Amiable and Expressive with a dash of Analytical

Every so often I glance back at moments, events, months, days, what have you and give myself a little pat on the back for what I have accomplished during said amount of time. Other times, I'm disheartened by the results. Sometimes, there are certain moments you always go back to, just to check on your progress. I especially love doing this as a "spiritual barometer." I say to myself, "Ooooh, only so many months ago I struggled with this and now I don't. Good job, Anna." (I am very aware of the faulty thinking here - stick with me.) A) It is never good job, Anna - I can't do ANY of it. B) I should never ever lie to myself and believe I'm "done struggling" with something.

As the year is rapidly coming to a close, I tend to unconsciously take inventory of the past year. Let me tell you here and now - I am so ready to be DONE with 2010. And, yet, as I say that - so much GOOD has come out of it. I have been immeasurably blessed this year, yet I run from 2010 as if January 1, 2011 at 12:01 everything will be different. It won't. I'll still be me. I'll still struggle. I'll still laugh. I'll still cry. I'll still hurt. It will all be there. Regardless there is some level of hope that comes with the promise of a new year. And, as much as I can't help myself, I find myself looking back before looking forward. Reflecting on the past can be a very healthy exercise, with the right outlook and mindset. Recognizing that growth has happened through the mercy of Christ and recognizing areas where we still have room for improvement. A challenge for today and tomorrow and a continual challenge until Christ takes us home.

Last night I found myself in a conversation with a friend that took a surprising turn (to me at least). Alot I've never shared out loud came out - a rare moment of vulnerability. It's started with this class I took earlier in the week about personalities. I learned alot...not about others' personalities, but my own. I was forced to look at the good AND bad that comes with me. Now, a little side note - this was a work class and in no way a spiritual or Christian exercise...but, it seems to have turned out that way. I was forced to sit there and hear this teacher explain in very black and white terms varying [accurate] negative aspects about me. (Not me personally, but my personality type)

For anyone interested in knowing - my main personality type based on how I rated myself and how others rated me is amiable. People pleaser. Group oriented. Emotional (easily gets feelings hurt). Tree hugger. (Ok, not really, but alot of tree huggers do fall into this category due to the wanting everyone to feel good/comfortable/included.) What is the one main negative aspect of this type? We never forget. Oh how true this is. We store away our grievances - either at ourselves or others. And, when the time is just right - we get our revenge. We lie in wait for the perfect moment of vengeance. How ugly of a person does this make me feel? Essentially if you mess up, not only will I remember, I will get you back for it.

Although, there aren't very pretty sides to my personality, it's been incredibly eye-opening. To be forced to come face to face with the dark parts of your heart. I like to believe that hey, these really aren't bad parts but rather it's all in how you view it. Well, in another conversation with another friend that occurred this evening, I told her in a slight moment of revelation: these are not habits that have been formed. These are not trained behaviors. This is something ingrained in the very core of my being. With the positive parts of my personality come the negatives - it is not a choice. The bigger revelation - this isn't something I can "untrain" or remove the habit of - which sounds so lovely of being able to keep up a habit or lack thereof for 2 weeks and you're golden. No, any time I struggle with these negative personality manifestations, I will have to choose to go against the grain - every time. It will always be unnatural for me to make that choice.

It will never be easy for me to forget. I always have a dangerously crystal clear memory. And deep down, the human side of me always wants to get back at those that have done me wrong. Looking back, maybe that's what I've been doing wrong all this time: holding out in hopes of revenge. Believing justice will come (either by my hand or someone else's). What if it comes but isn't of the "right kind" of justice I believe it should be? Where does mercy come in to play with this mindset? Where do you balance the desire for justice and a desire for mercy through reconciliation? All questions to spend time pondering. Have you ever walked through something that you felt your hurt was never properly vindicated or maybe even acknowledged? What did you do with that?